An Open Letter to my Momma

Hi Mom,

It’s your daughter. I’m taking a break from studying, it’s all I’ve done today. I was looking at that site you sent me about government programs concerning travel. While this was a nice gesture and a working holiday is certainly something I am interested in for the future, I can not help but feel that it was a devious deception of sorts. An attempt to lure me away from my true dream. My dream to take you to Scotland (not in the sense of pay to take you, but give you a surrogate pair of balls with which to gather the courage to actually go and do something you’ve always dreamed about.)

I am a much better writer than speaker when it comes to things pertaining to you, mother. I always dream up elaborate speeches to lure you into doing fun things, but you scare the crap out of me and to be honest you can be a downer. Sometimes you shoot my ideas down before they are even fully formed. Hours spent creating detailed sermons on the joys of whatever the event may be are wasted if the object of the preaching is you.

So here I sit, in between long articles and poorly written books on the French Revolution, catching myself thinking of how to convince you of just how much I want you to come to Scotland with me this summer. I can’t tell you in person, because it would come out whiney and insistent, no matter how long I practiced in front of the mirror. I know that you read this blog, so I will tell you here.

I have spent the last four years doing this I really don’t care about. To be honest, I didn’t want to go to University right out of high school, but certain events sort of pushed me that way. I’m 21 and have absolutely no idea what I want to do in my life. In a few years I’m going to graduate. So what then? Go to grad school and do more mindless readings and arguing? Get an office job and spend my day loathing my existence? Get married and pop out some kids and become an alcoholic? I don’t know at this point. What I do know is that I don’t want to waste my life. I only have 50-60 more years on this planet, and I feel I’ve already wasted 21 of them doing things that I was supposed to do but really had no interest in. Sadly, I don’t know what I am interested in. I like films, and I think film school would have been fun. I’m sure that will fade, just like everything else. This list comprises everything I know I want to accomplish in my life. Adam says it’s at least good I have a fall back plan, but I think fall back plans might be a bad thing. It’s easy to get comfortable doing things you don’t really enjoy.

Sometimes I see you and I wonder if you feel the same way as I do. I sit and wonder how at 21 (my age!) you were pregnant with me. It’s no secret you’d go back and change that if you could and do something different with your life. And I don’t blame you. If I was pregnant right now, I think my complete lack of ambitions in life would be the least of my worries. You were an awesome mom, and despite how much you would change I think you were meant to be a mother. Also, I am glad you had me as young as you did, because you weren’t some old hag when I was going through high school.

You say you would change things then. Fine. What about now? You have the power to change now. There is absolutely nothing preventing you from doing whatever it is you would have done differently instead of trying to poop me out in a toilet in some rural Ontario hospital. You’ve given me hints at what you want to do, and time and time again you come back to going to Scotland, staying in a castle, travelling. Every time I bring up doing it this summer, you brush it aside.

Well, you know what I’ve learned in the last four years? If you keep putting something off it will never happen. There’s the sum of $20,000 in first class education. You get comfortable doing the things you hate doing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way and I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life that way either. So here’s my suggestion. We nip it in the bud. This summer, no fucking excuses anymore, we go to Scotland. Who cares about responsibility, money, jobs, obligations, who cares. They will all be here when we get back to worry about. If we stay here worrying about them instead of just GOING we’ll never go. There’s never a right time for anything, there’s only now.

So let’s do this now. Not next year, not with more planning time. Now.

So there. This is for all the times I’ve wanted to say something to you but been unable because you make me lose my words. I absolutely adore you and am only encouraging you to go to Scotland for your own good. I’m not asking you to stay in some little hut in Thailand with spider the size of your hand. It’s Scotland. It’s an easy first step. And there’s only now.

Love,

Chelsea

PS thank you for the grocery money

New Year’s Eve

So… New Year’s is upon on us (at least in Canada, in Japan it’s already happened, but sadly I am not there). In less than 12 hours I will be in a whole new year. And what, 4 more to go until the Mayan Prediction of the end of the world?
I’m celebrating tonight by going to the show being put on by a local radio station X 92.9 where Alexisonfire is playing along with Chixdiggit, 10 Second Epic and…someone else (none of which get links, take that shit rock!!!…actually I’ve never heard of any of them, so I don’t know if they are shit rock).
I guess the fourth band is Madcowboys. Doesn’t that sound like fun. If you can’t tell, I’m going to see Alexisonfire. Adam got me into them a while back, but only their newer stuff. I still can’t stand the incessant screaming on their older albums. But I digress.
That is what I am doing for New Years, nothing overly exciting. Dinner and a concert at MacEwan Hall.

I got a job interview too, which is good. It’s on January 2nd, for an on-campus job. I need money for travelling this summer. I’m hoping to convince my mom to let me take her to Scotland (#258 on the list). Hopefully we can do other things, like spending a few nights in a Scottish Castle (#86), or drinking tea in England (#220), or dancing in Stonehenge (#107). So yes, job interview in a few days, so I can pay my rent and save up for travelling this summer! And get like 10398102398 things off my list done!

My mom better let me take her, otherwise she’s getting a lot more than a kick in the ass!