An Exercise in Futility

One of the biggest problems I face in life (according to my mom, dental hygienists and my boyfriend’s relatives) is that I don’t have any sense of direction. Yes, I get lost easily, but I mean “sense of direction” more in a Harvard-grad-father-asking-his-coming-of-age-teenage-son-if-he-plans-to-pledge-Kappa kind of way. A where is my life going, as opposed to “where is the train I am on going,” kind of thing. I really, truly have little idea of what I want in life in terms of jobs and making an income. I have a random collection of life goals that really don’t add up to a career or really much of anything other than a kick-ass time on the planet. Everyone I know has some career aspirations by this point, which leaves me drifting alone among the options. Whenever people ask me what I plan to do (dental hygienists are the worst offenders for this, seriously) I just say “government work” which they picture as an cubicle deal but I picture as super secret ninja spy. Obviously this isn’t what I want, because wearing a mask all day would remind me too much of working in Disneyland as a giant puppet.

Rather than taking a stupid online test that will give me 50 possible careers most suited for me (note: these in the past have always included judge, which is awesome, because I would totally style myself after Judge Banks from Fresh Prince) I think it would be best to make a short-list of careers I definitely do not want and a compilation of careers I think I would be both interested in and totally kick ass at.

DO NOT WANT

Fish gutter (the smell, mostly)
Seamstress in the 1870s
Anything to do with the creation of buildings
Dental hygienist
Janitor at Peep Show establishment
Doctor who performs colonoscopies (though it would offer for a multitude of awesome jokes…)
Mother of fifteen
Hugh Hefner’s sponge bath assistant
Intestinal bacteria (just think if your human host ate a whole bulb of garlic, what would that be like?)
Participant on Hell’s Kitchen
Cow breeder (you have to catch semen…really now)

DO WANT

Professional zombie hunter
Japanese cartoon voice actor
Tiffany (touring malls, singing the best song ever written over and over? HECK YES!)
Pillow comfort analyst
Richard Branson’s best friend
Camera person for sea turtle documentaries
Baroness (I don’t honestly know what this is, but it just sounds so cool)
Cheesecake taster
Giant squid (shooting ink and living in the ocean, could life really offer a better profession?)
Town drunk